It was a little man in a little burger joint who invented the Breath-Burger. The invention was made easily by having three of four employees breathe on the patty itself. It made the patty moist, more personalized, and sometimes it got on it: a loogee. This is great for me, thought the inventor man, and for the joint. His name was Footnog (eggnog that people stuck their feet in). Yes, he thought, a new product like this is great for the joint. The joint benefits.

It didn't take any of the employees long to realize that it was very time consuming to breathe hard and close on each patty. But Footnog was packed full of ideas, and he was, as I said, petite. He started wrapping patties around the microphone that the window order-up gal used to converse with drivers-up. This would get a lot of breath on the patty automatically. And what is breath aside from "perspiration of the mouth?" Customers who ordered the Breath-Burger found the inner-buns to have condensation beneath their upsides. Even vegetarians found the squashed bones and lips of cows to be palatable with the extra human moisture.

One employee, Mogo Margaret, discovered inadvertently that she didn't breathe out of her lungs; she discharged directly from the gastro-intestines to her throat and out onto several burgers. This not only hurt Mogo, but the joint. People found that her burgers stunk. Biting into one of hers was like feeling your teeth squeeze into a medallion of crap. Footnog wanted to save name, not just his but the joint's. So he discontinued the whole project. From that point on employees wore mouthmasks, and thus ended an American innovation we called the Breath-Burger.